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[tainted] I am.. Tahlia. Born 19th December 1987, female, currently residing in Australia. Loves music and Asian languages, and is studying Indonesian and Japanese. Music:
Wishlist:
Linked:
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..falling apart
Saturday, July 12, 2003 05:38 p.m. >>>
*raises an eyebrow* yay? Saturday, July 12, 2003 05:13 p.m. >>>
You know, I figured out what it was that made me feel the way I did on the Arts Tour this year. Simple as it may seem to those of you who don't know me as well as you think you do, I felt left out. You see, everyone else had someone from another group/room/whatever that they could talk to. Someone else that they were friends with. Everyone had other friends. Expect me. Everyone except me. They all had their little friends from other groups who they could be with, while little old Kate had no-one else to go to and was left alone to wallow in her own self pity. It's all just so fucking pathetic, isn't it? Chrissy had James & Ellie & co.
Ahh, yes, isn't it just wonderful? I didn't realize it at the time, but that's what it was. Yep, as simple & as dumb as it is, it affected me. I mean, really affected me. And I can't change a thing about it. so go on. smile you fuckers. Saturday, July 12, 2003 02:20 p.m. >>>
*squeals* wheeeeeeee! I just finished downloading the whole Placebo concert in Stockholm 2000!! 56 minutes 55 seconds long in total; all in one giant (54.6megs) file too. ^^;;; It's so fantastic!! *fawns over Brian* I've found another source to complete the Live im Zwischenfall concert too - I have about 40mg in total out of the 53.5mg file so far. The 2003 performance at the Astoria in London is proving a bit harder to complete though.. I have a little less than half of it so far. *looks hopeful* Anyone got it?? I'm looking to trade with others - this is what I've got so far, along with the original demos, some b-sides & remixes, and a handful of other seemingly random live performances of particular songs & videos. All are *cough* MP3 *cough*, but are easily burnable to CD-R. Placebo concerts:
Live at Big Day Out, Adelaide 2001
incomplete concerts:
I know that probably doesn't interest the majority of you reading this, but hey, it's my blog - I'll do what I want with it. :P Roz got her own domain!! *yay* For those of you who didn't already know, I'm an Assistant Webmistress at the Orlando Bloom fanfiction archive Rusted Faith (http://orlandobloom.deep-ice.com), and I've long admired both Roz and her site. She does a fantastic job - if you haven't visited it before, I highly reccommend that you do so. *pushes everyone in the direction of RF* There. ^^ Anyway.. Roz apparently bought her own domain just recently! rusted-faith.net! ^___^ I'm so happy for her that the site's going well and that she is enjoying life as a high-profile webmistress once again. There was a point a few months back when she was getting a lot of flames and criticism from people who didn't know anything about her, and she was seriously considering closing Rusted Faith down for good. Which, I admit, would have been a terrible loss to both the Orlando Bloom & the fanfiction communities, and in my opinion, would have been a bit of a cop-out. So I'm glad she decided to keep going with the site for a bit longer. She also has a bit of an Elijah Wood & Orlando Bloom gallery going as an off-shoot from RF, definitely worth a look. Speaking of galleries.. I'm contemplating opening a Placebo gallery. Maybe an entire Placebo site. *shrugs* Who knows! I suppose I'm asking for your opinion - should I or not? I mean, I know I don't put enough work into [tainted] as it is, and I don't really need the extra workload of having a gallery to update all the time too, let alone going out and actually looking for pictures (and fanfiction for [tainted]) to put up. *sighs* 13 days until the Placebo concert now! *giggles excitedly* I can't wait! I'm so super-excited! (NB: please take note of all the extra, somewhat-unneeded exclamation marks). It looks like we (me, my Dad, and Chrissy) will be staying overnight in the city somewhere, mainly because I kept hinting about this in-store signing that Placebo are doing the next day (Saturday) at 2pm at the Pitt St HMV store. God, how I'd love to go to that, and get all my junk signed. *sways dreamily* Each time I think about the concert & afore-mentioned signing, I go all dizzy and enter this dream-like state of mind. ^____^ *stumbles off in her Brian-adoring trance* Friday, July 11, 2003 09:28 p.m. >>>
Baby I've got you on my mind, honey you won't ever know
'Cause honey I've got to show (I won't wait for another day)
So if I had this all my way, honey you won't ever know
Friday, July 11, 2003 09:24 p.m. >>>
Please die Ana
Open fire on the needs designed
Imagine pageant
And I need you now somehow
Open fire on the needs designed
And you're my obsession
Open fire on the needs designed
Friday, July 11, 2003 09:21 p.m. >>>
I dream about how it's going to end,
People making fun of me,
My suicidal dream,
Help me, comfort me,
My suicidal dream,
Dreamin' about my death, dream... Suicidal, suicidal, Suicidal dream Friday, June 27, 2003 07:29 p.m. >>>
questions by Chrissy *mock glare* 1. who do you have a crush on? *evil laugh*
2. who was your first love?
3. which fiction characters do you have a crush on?
4. if you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
5. how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Five simple rules to this "fun little game"
Thursday, June 26, 2003 04:48 p.m. >>>
Hmm.. Haven't updated for a while. *shrugs* Ahh, such is life. Why is everyone trying their hardest to discover whom it is I like? And why am I trying so hard to do everything to stop them from finding out? *mutters* Do people have nothing better to do with their lives? *half smile* Only 29 days until Placebo now. I keep wondering what it's going to be like.. I can't wait for it to happen, but in a way, I don't want it to, because I'm afraid I'm expecting too much to happen & I'll be disappointed. I mean, I know I won't be disappointed with their playing, but.. yeah.. just in general, I suppose.. All the plans and everything that I'm planning on executing *laughs* My brain is insane. *sighs* I hope it all works out the way it does in my head.. Wednesday, June 18, 2003 05:58 p.m. >>>
I started cutting again last night. *bitter laugh* Ahh, the joy that is life. I felt.. numb. My mind was a blank. Everything was dark and black and.. life was being cruel to me. *shrugs* My wrist hurts like hell anyway. I think it's infected. It's all red and swollen and bloodied. *laughs* Lovely. Tuesday, June 17, 2003 04:25 p.m. >>>
I don't know where I stand with Chrissy now. See, she gave me this 3-page long letter on bright yellow paper today. *lol* Harold was like "Oh my god it's so bright!" *giggles* I was virtually crying when I read it - the last page, at least. *bitter laugh* Definitely not a good look, especially when you're in Work Education and meant to be writing a resumé or something. I mean, I'd put it here, but I'm not at liberty to do so. So I won't. But yeah.. I had to try so incredibly hard not to let the tears fall down from my eyes. You know that thing where you look up at the roof so the tears won't escape? Yeah, well, I'm an expert at that now. I suppose the general gist of the idea was that she'd read my blog *sighs* and was replying to what I'd said about wanting to know what I did wrong and what made her snap. I mean, it probably wasn't for me to know, but I kind of feel privileged in that she did, you know? I mean, whenever I write a letter to someone (on actual paper *lol* and not via email), I always feel as though it's something more special than just typing an email and clicking the send button. You actually have to put in the effort to write it by hand and then go up and give it to the person. Which is probably the hardest bit. I know I have heaps of letters which I've written with the best of intentions about giving it to someone, but I never have. Those letters are sitting in my 'letter draw' in my desk, along with all the letters that people have written me over the years. It goes without saying that the majority are Leanne's. Only a few are Georgia's, and now I have one of Chrissy's to keep as well. But I'm getting off track. *moves back on track* So Chrissy, if you ever read this.. (I'm going to write this in second person, so for those of you who aren't Chrissy (lol), you all do what you must to understand what I'm talking about :P). I think I was being extremely selfish and wanted you all to myself. I think it's something to the effect of what Georgia said about it all - you got the chance to become one of the cool, loved, adored, wanted people affectionately known as The Core. You managed to be wanted by one of them - you're one of the lucky ones. I think I'm jealous of you because of it. I don't know - maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I'll never know for sure. All I do know, is that you got the chance the rest of us never got. You've been given the opportunity to become one of Them, and it's only human nature to want to be popular and accepted and cool. So it's fair enough that you went with it when given the chance. I don't blame you - I think anyone would have if they'd been offered what you have been. You didn't 'neglect' me, as you put it in your letter. I was selfish. I'm a bitch, I'm a cow. I know you can never forget it, but, in a way, I wish you could. I'm too self-centred to notice that you do need other people around you. You're one of those people - you're extremely social, and need to have millions of friends to survive. I'm too stupid to realize that you don't need me as much as I need you. I'm too wrapped up in you that I couldn't look beyond what *I* wanted, what *I* needed. I'm blind to the fact that you're different to me in that way. I'M SO FUCKING IGNORANT! Why? Why must I be so incredibly thick as to not notice all of this? *sighs* I'm sorry Chrissy. I'm so sorry. I.. I can never be what you want me to be. I'm sorry. Monday, June 16, 2003 09:17 p.m. >>>
Chrissy's LJ - http://www.livejournal.com/users/whiteelephant Hmm.. I gave Chrissy the link to my blog in exchange for her LJ addy. I'm not sure whether that was a good decision or not. I mean, there's a fair amount of stuff in here that's about her, and frankly, I don't know if I want her to know what I think about her. At least, I think that's it. *sighs* I don't know. her LJ made some interesting reading at very least. ^^;;; Laila wants me to sing with her "band" (Alica Dillonsisley & Sally) at the music thing on Friday at lunch. *looks apprehensive* I mean, I don't know.. I love to sing, but I really don't know whether I'm any good or not. So I'm still somewhat undecided about that. I was gonna put in a convo with Leanne from the other day, but Mum's kicking me off the compy. I'll do it tomorrow. Thursday, June 12, 2003 08:59 p.m. >>>
I got a job. *half smile* I'm doing data entry for a company in the city, probably once or twice a week as a casual worker. I mean, it's as boring as hell, and Leanne, after working there only once, has already been fired *laughs*, but the pay is good. $11.50 an hour. I worked 5 hours yesterday, from 4pm to 9pm, and got $57.50, so I suppose it was worth all the blurry vision, headaches and back pains. ^^;;; I have to work again tomorrow night, from 4pm to 8pm. It's really easy, but I just don't like the idea of being there 'alone'. I mean, I won't really be alone, as such, but it's just the whole 'first job' thing, I think. I'm really not sure how to go about filling in timesheets, or signing myself in & out, or who my 'team leader' and supervisors are. I'm really not sure how to do everything - I am only 15, for Christ's sake. I don't know how everything works - it's my first job for starters, and I just don't feel comfortable walking into & around the office as though I belong there. Most of the people there are either part-time workers who are at University or are full-time, permanent staff members who (stupidly) chose Data Entry as their career. I just.. don't feel right. I think I fucked things up with Chrissy, again. Yes, once again, I made a major mess of everything that once resembled friendship. The following is an excerpt from a conversation over MSN between Chrissy and me on the 8/6/03:
*huge uncomfortable silence lasting about 4 minutes* Ania says:
I'm still not over that. I just can't get over the fact that she'd say something like that to me. I mean, I was only kidding, and she knew that. She'd been joking about her being so open earlier in that night, so I was only playing around with her. I really didn't mean anything by it. But I suppose that's half the problem with the Internet - you can never really be sure what emotion the other person is trying to portray or put across to you. I don't know. I just feel like I majorly screwed everything up. I tried bringing it up a few nights ago (10/8/03):
Does anyone see what I mean? It's like I just can't stop torturing myself. I want to know what made her say that first comment. What made her snap at me? As far as I'm concerned, I really didn't do anything wrong. Not that I can see, at least. Where did I go wrong? Monday, June 2, 2003 04:15 p.m. >>>
*sighs* I think I'm losing Chrissy. Maybe I've already lost her. I don't know. It's just.. we haven't really been talking all that much recently. When we first met, we found that we had so much in common, but I think Chrissy's realized that I'm not really the person I claim to be. I think that's it anyway. I mean, we share tastes in music, fanfiction, movies, obsessions with certain people, and a bunch of other stuff too. Yet recently it's all gone downhill. I spoke to her the other night for about the first time in two weeks - over MSN of course. Even at school, she's always talking to Lauren and Amelia and Leanne and Ashleigh and co, and we barely speak. Of course, having only one class together doesn't really help, and even then, she sits directly in front of me, but always turns around to talk to Lauren, who sits directly behind me. *sighs* I think she's being absorbed by The Core. She's becoming one of Them. Let me explain. 'Them' refers to 'The Core'. The Core are the people in the group that I hang around with that everyone apparently adores. The Core comprises of Kiri (before she was in China, of course, and she'll fit straight back in when she comes back in July), Lauren, Janet, Hana, Anna M-Y, Amelia (she fits best into this group, I believe) and Alex Lovegrove. The Core are the people who everyone else will follow like sheep follow their shepherd. See, our group is made up of three smaller groups - the already-mentioned Core, and two other groups. The highest in ranking is of course The Core, then the next highest ranking group is made up of Ashleigh, Rachel, Hannah and Josh. I know it doesn't seem big, but those are the people who are liked by some, and not liked by others, therefore making them the second most popular group within our group. Then there is me. I'm in the least-liked group (in our big group, that is). At least, that's how I see it. My close group consists of Harold, Laila, Amy (when she turns up to school), Leanne, Georgia (most of the time), and Chrissy. Or so I thought. It seems to me that she's becoming one of The Core. *sighs* I thought she liked me, but maybe I was wrong. We've been growing apart ever since the day I first saw her. I mean, she admitted to me a few weeks ago that she didn't really like most of The Core, especially Lauren. See, Lauren wasn't overly nice to Chrissy, but that's Lauren for you. Personally, I really can't stand Lauren - she's just not my type of person, but there you go. Call me weird, but I only like three of the people who make up The Core - Kiri, Amelia and Alex. And Kiri's in China until July 17th; Amelia is hardly ever at school, yet she fits in so damn perfectly; and Alex and I only really ever talk in our Indonesian class. The others I'm not overly fussed about - Hana is sweet and can be really nice, but the others just don't do anything for me. I don't like them, and they don't like me. It works out well for all of us, actually. *bitter laugh* Of course, none of this helps my complete lack of self-confidence. And self-esteem, for that matter. I've never been any good with this sort of thing, and everyone who I've ever been close to is now lost to me. I just thought that Chrissy and I would last longer, but I guess I was wrong. Less than six months and our 'friendship' is already falling off the rails. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. But I suppose there's a first time for everything, right? << Clocked off at: 4.36pm Monday, May 26, 2003 05:05 p.m. >>>
I'm torn between Georgia and Leanne. Both just can't seem to understand what the other is getting at with this whole 'Sally-&-Heather-running-away' thing. And I don't know in which direction I should walk. Leanne's stance is that she should try to help out as much as she can so that they'll come back sooner rather than later. Georgia's point of view is that she should keep it all to herself and not tell the parents anything. As Leanne said, it's one of those stereotypical teenage moral dilemmas, like if someone passes out at a party after taking drugs, do you call parents/ambulance or not? I mean, I'd definitely call someone to come help if I was in that situation, and I can only hope that my friends would do the same for me. *raises an eyebrow* Who knows. I would hope they would, but you can never know until something like that actually happens. Anyway, I had this whole 'heart-to-heart' kind of talk with Leanne in Maths today. As you do, in Maths. ^^ Leanne just talked for the whole lesson and I nodded, adding my thoughts occasionally. You know how it works. Maths was second-last period today, straight after lunch, and you know how I spent most of lunch? Laughing madly with Leanne's head resting on my lap as I used Erin's pocket knife to cut slashes into my hands and wrists. Fun fun. Actually, it was rather fun, until my hands started going purple, but I couldn't decide whether it was just me beginning to freeze from the extreme cold (I mean, it is winter here), or if I'd lost too much blood. I eventually came to even ground and decided it was a bit of both. I think I'm a vampire. *sweatdrop* But yeah.. I think I'd make a good counsellor or psychiatrist. I have this thing for listening to people when they really need to. I think I discovered it first in Year 8 when Bridget was going through a really hard time and all, and we spent a hell of a lot of time just sitting in Starbucks just talking about her problems. But you know what the weirdest thing is? Even though I can sort out other people's problems, I can never understand or work out my own. I think that's where I fall down. Where I lose myself. I can apply what other people are going through to what I've experienced, but I just can't seem to solve my own problems. It just doesn't work, plain and simple. Want me to spell it out for you all to read in bloodied letters? I think I'm losing it. Lost it, even. No-one gets me, no-one understands me, I think I'm going to crack any moment now, so don't get in my way. ..I dive again
I've fallen beneath the surface. I'm too far lost to be saved now. It's too late. And no-one even notices. Sunday, May 25, 2003 05:17 p.m. >>>
*falls over laughing* And I'm not even a guy! ^^ Sunday, May 25, 2003 04:49 p.m. >>>
Georgia told me something rather interesting today. She said that she would tell me only if I promised not to tell anyone else - I mean, like I would. I'm not that much of a gossip queen. Georgia said that she only trusted me and Robbie with things like this. *sweatdrop* I feel so loved! Anyway.. Georgia told me that Sally & Heather have run away from home. *raises eyebrows* As in, they've temporarily run away (to LM's house) and are planning on completely leaving on Wednesday, or so Georgia says. I believe her though - she would know what would be going on. She reckons the police will get involved and all, but I think the police won't start looking for missing persons until at least four days after they've disappeared. Unless of course there was some sighting or major evidence that may help the police. But as far as Georgia knew, there wasn't any. Leanne doesn't know yet. Georgia's trying to figure out how she should tell her, that is, if she tells her. I suppose she kind of has to - I mean, Leanne "does have a connection with Heather & Sally". *rolls eyes* << Leanne's words, obviously. I don't know what Leanne will do when she finds out. She'll probably look & act devastated, have a bit of a Leanne-hissy-fit, cry, and then go off to look for them or something. Or go and tell the parents, which is even worse. I mean, it's not exactly like Sally & Heather have done anything, and no-one could really do anything for them even if they were found and brought home. Apparently, Leanne's already helping the parents though - she told them everything she knew about what's happening. I'm not exactly sure how much she knows, but Georgia doesn't think she knows anything that's overly important. It's almost as though Leanne's trying to get Sally & Heather found so that they get into major trouble and possibly break up. That's how it seems to me anyway. It's like what Georgie said the other day - apparently Leanne wouldn't let Heather try wearing her fuck-me boots. Leanne thought that Sally would find Heather even more attractive in those boots than she normally did, and if Sally thought that, then Leanne would have absolutely no chance of getting back together with Sally. Like there is a chance anyway, but that's Leanne for you. Our eternal optimist. *smirks* *cracks her neck* Oww.. so sore. I've been sitting at the computer far too much recently. I think my neck's permanently at the 'typing angle' now. *sweatdrop* I finished my Genethics essay on Friday - yay! ^_^ Well, I finished the draft. But that's a start right? *looks hopeful* I handed it into Mrs. Termaat to mark. I wonder what I'll get.. I hope I don't have to change it too much. I mean, I know that some of it definitely needs rewriting and I need to add another sentence to make the conclusion sound stronger, but I don't want to spend too much time on it. I have far too much work as it is. *looks apprehensively at her schedule below* Ick. I also have a Science test tomorrow. Genetics. *sighs* At least it's easier than Physics. *wrinkles nose* I think I understand most of it, but there are some things that I just don't get. Like homologues. *frowns* Nonetheless, I think I know most of the definitions and how mitosis & meiosis work. I think. :| Note to self: membaca revisi untuk tes tentang kata-kata ke-an. *mutters* menulis 'noto' tentang orang Penan. TIDAK LUPA! *sweatdrop* Saturday, May 24, 2003 08:20 p.m. >>>
* dye my hair (black)
Saturday, May 24, 2003 07:06 p.m. >>>
*sobs* babysitting's been cancelled for tonight. :( I never knew how much I loved this song. *points upwards* I remember hearing it when it was released a few years ago (I've no idea when), and I absolutely adored the song and the video clip. I couldn't remember what the song was called, only that it was by Garbage. And I just realized that it was 'When I Grow Up'. :)
I'm meant to be seeing Matrix Reloaded again tomorrow with Georgia, but she hasn't called, I've lost her phone number, she's not online, and I can't be bothered emailling her. *sweatdrop* I'm so goddamn lazy. I mean, just the thought of seeing the Revolutions trailer should force me to email her, what with Neo in his coat IN THE RAIN and all. *drools* ^^;;; Schedule:
You know, I can't wait to see Placebo when they perform in Sydney in July. I think it's about the only thing life's got going for it right now. *bitter laugh* I could be at Leanne's right now. She asked me if I wanted to sleep over tonight at her place, but I couldn't because I was probably going to be babysitting. (The lady I babysit for is an anaethestist and was on call at the hospital tonight, so technically I was on call for her. Her husband was in Sydney, but came back early so I didn't need to go over anymore). So here I am, lonely, dejected and pissed off, sitting at my computer with no-one to talk to except myself. So I'm going to rant. What the hell is up with Leanne? One minute, she's all over me like we're best friends or something, and the next she's all like "oh i don't really like her all that much". I mean, make up your mind for God's sake! Like, do you want to be my friend or not? When I'm around her and we're just sitting there laughing away at some unsaid private joke, I love her. Not as in "in love" with her; just as a friend, you know? But then when she's with Sally and is as cool as the ice queen herself, she's a completely different person and I hate her. I mean, really hate her. I think I'm jealous. Jealous of what she has with Sally - or what she doesn't have, perhaps. I'm not sure. Like, everyone knows that they went out and all, but at the same time, everyone knew it wasn't going to last. Especially as Heather was going to come back soon. Well, we weren't speaking her to come back from Sweden quite as soon as she did, but still. And now Leanne's all like "Oh, everything would be so different if Heather hadn't come back. Why did she have to come back and ruin everything? Everything was so perfect before, and now she's come back and ruined it all." GET OVER YOURSELF! I mean, a measly three months more would not have made a single fucking difference. It was inevitable - Heather would come back, Leanne & Sally wouldn't be going out anymore, Heather & Sally would start going out again & become best friends once more, and Leanne would be the third wheel yet again & end up being the one that got hurt the most. And guess what? Everything turned out exactly the way I predicted it would - Heather came back, Leanne & Sally had broken up and weren't on the best of terms anymore, Leanne & Heather were the best of friends and began plotting their revenge against Sally, Heather & Sally started going out again, Heather turned her back on Leanne and they've barely spoken since she came back from Sweden, and Leanne's only just talking to Sally and is feeling hurt and dejected. [sarcasm]Oh, what a surprise.[/sarcasm] You know, just for once, I wish that something in life wouldn't be so predictable. Just one thing. I really couldn't care less what it is exactly, I just want one little thing to not be predetermined. Life is so fucking predictable. It's all just one big routine to me. And you know what the strangest thing is? I just don't give a damn anymore about any of it. Saturday, May 24, 2003 05:50 p.m. >>>
So much that I hardly have time to be blogging. *mutters* Ah well, whatcha gonna do about it? ^^ I can't understand why, but pitas won't let me use images that I've hosted on my own site [tainted]. I have some really gorgeous blog layouts that I'd love to use here, and it's really bugging me. *glares at pitas* dumb piece of $*&%. I have to babysit later tonight - yay money! Saturday, May 24, 2003 11:05 a.m. >>>
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